Why you should stop trying to love “yourself”

I am sure you have heard many times that it’s important to love yourself. If you are like me you have tried. Maybe you repeated mantra-like affirmations in your mind over and over in the hopes of increasing your self-love. Or maybe you treated yourself to a massage, a new outfit or maybe even a new car.

This, of course, helps temporarily. But it never lasts.

The questions is if it’s really possible to love yourself when so many people try but fail?

About five years ago I had a beautiful experience which is commonly referred to as a “spiritual awakening.” For two weeks I had the privilege to get a bit closer to truth and to get a glimpse of what our reality is truly made of. During this time my mind was completely still. There were no thoughts, judgments, mental chatter or thinking about to-do lists.

Let me tell you that it was beautiful and life-changing and, for the first time ever, I truly felt free.

I saw that the energy we are made of is unconditional love and that we can only feel and perceive this energy when our minds are truly still. Of course, in our day-to-day lives this rarely happens. Our mind, with its constant chatter, runs the show. This keeps us from perceiving reality the way it truly is and we are cut off from our very nature.

You Cannot Love “Yourself”

In this state it’s actually impossible to love yourself and all well-meaning attempts like affirmations and the like will ultimately fail.

The ego, which is the little voice inside your head that likes to judge, criticize and blame will never get to a place of true love. This is simply not its nature.  The ego thrives on the principles of division and opposition. When you are “in your head” and you are not connected to your heart and soul, the ego will always win. Then it’s impossible to love yourself as “loving yourself” is already a division in itself. Who is supposed to love whom? If one party here is your ego – which it is – you cannot win as the ego is not designed to love and it will come up with all the reasons why it cannot love “you.”

On the contrary, true and unconditional love is not a divided state but is a state of wholeness, unity and connection. In this state there is no “other” whom you are supposed to love.  Love just is. Then you don’t need to try, you don’t need to justify it or fulfill the unrealistic conditions your ego normally puts on you in order for you to be worthy of love. When you feel love in your heart you are already there. Then you ARE love.

How to Connect to the Love within You

So rather than trying in vain to “love yourself”, I suggest you learn how to BE love. It’s more fun, more effective and so much easier to do as it is your natural state of Being.

Here is a quick, simple and effective way of connecting to this beautiful state and to simply BE LOVE.

  • Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths in and focus on your heart.
  • Do this for a few minutes until you feel calm and relaxed.
  • In your mind’s eye, go back to a memory when you felt love in your heart. Perhaps it is after you gave birth or when you met your spouse. Give yourself some time and immerse yourself in this beautiful feeling.
  • Connect to the feelings as if your beautiful memory was happening to you right now. Do this until you feel love fully in your heart.

When you do this, you ARE already love and you don´t need to try to “love yourself.” You are already there.

Practice this simple technique throughout the day and your body and mind will thank you. This is your natural state, the state in which you are born. It’s who you really are.  Doing this will help you to not only become happier but healthier as well. Life will become easier, you will have more fun and you will even spread this positive energy to the people around you!

“BE LOVE” and Your Life will Change

Here is a wonderful poem I recently came across. It describes the beautiful changes within you and your life when you start living from a place of love:

As I began to BE LOVE I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY“.

As I began to BE LOVE I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT“.

As I began to BE LOVE I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY“.

As I began to BE LOVE I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE

As I began to BE LOVE I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY“.

As I began to BE LOVE I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF“.

As I began to love BE LOVE I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY“.

As I began to BE LOVE I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT“.

As I began to BE LOVE I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

Charlie Chaplin

Full disclosure: I took the liberty to alter the original text slightly and exchanged the words “as I began to love myself” to “as I began to BE LOVE”.

I think it’s timelier this way and will help you to understand the concept better.

I hope this article was inspiring. Now I would love to hear from you! Share below your favorite practice of how you connect to the love within.

Thank you and much love!




You may also like

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  1. Your description of how to connect with one’s heart confirms the importance of the heart connection for me yet again. I have established a similar practice for myself for a while now. Centering in my heart has become a daily practice which has become essential for me. Originally I got introduced to the idea of letting my brain/thoughts slide into the heart, where I just kept the focus during meditation and with practice the loving feeling just established itself. I find it very comforting that the Source of all Love is ever present in my heart and that I never have to worry about running out of love.

    1. Dear Sybille,

      That’s wonderful to hear!

      And I love your thought on never “worrying to run out of love”. So true!

  2. Thank you for all your love and wisdom. Enjoyed the Meditation Tape and the Healing Prayer, Ho’opono pono. Similar to a prayer taught to us by Cliff Custer, OR, USA

    1. Hi Ruth,
      Thank you for your comment and I am happy to hear you enjoy the healing meditation.

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}

Sign up and I will notify you when I post new content. Subscribers  will also periodically receive discounts that are not available on my site.